Discussing Sexual Needs in the Relationship
Sexual Needs Sort
(adapted from psychological needs sort, HOPE Focused Approach Intervention)
Step One: Complete the sexual needs sort worksheet that can be found here
Step Two: Discuss as a couple and refer to the follow up below if you and your partner are stuck or having difficulty with the conversation. This is completely normal.
Step Three: If you want to continue the conversation with other activities then click here for Navigating Sexual Assumptions and here for Sex Communication and Boundaries.
Sexual Needs Sort Follow Up: Getting Through Tough Conversations about Sex
What if this conversation goes wrong? This happens to many couples. Conversations about sex can be tough and sometimes awkward, especially if you and your partner haven’t talked about it before or rarely talk about it. One of you may be really into the conversation while the other is hesitant. Or, one or both of you may experience some negative feelings and thoughts surrounding sex. This is okay. It can be difficult to feel exposed or to voice desires in the bedroom. Below are some ways to help navigate the conversation if there seems to be a roadblock.
7 issues in having the sex talk
- If the conversation takes a negative turn and your start arguing, take a pause. You could have a five or ten minute timeout apart to calm down then return and continue the conversation with a quiet assurance.
2. You or your partner may become uncomfortable or even overwhelmed by the conversation. You may feel exposed, defensive, or flooded with negative emotion. If this happens, stop and think about what it is pertaining to the conversation that is causing these emotions.
3. Give each other space to talk through what is being experienced.
4. Have there been instances in the past between the two of you or between a past partner that have given a negative meaning to sex? In the past did you experience social peer pressure related to sex? Have there been negative situations or conversations surrounding sex involving family members? Or your religious community? How has this affected how you perceive, think, and talk about sex now? Explore these questions in a gentle way. If the conversation is too tough on you or your partner, you can take a break and set a time to return to the conversation later.
5. Be patient and kind to yourself and your partner.
6. If you don’t understand something your partner has said, ask for clarification in a calm and nonjudgmental way.
7. If you or your partner is experiencing negative emotions in this moment, it is a good reminder that you both love each other and that you are having this conversation out of love.
If you have tried and still seem stuck with these types of conversations or any of these activities above, that is okay. If it doesn’t feel like you and your partner can have these conversations right now in a healthy way, it is alright to ask for help. It may be helpful to explore couples or sex therapy. When thinking of how to go about finding a therapist, it can be helpful to reflect on you and your values. Do you want a more secular approach or is your faith an important component in your relationship? Are you interested in therapy with a medical professional for a health issue, a counselor or psychologist or are you more interested in exploring pastoral care or paraprofessional coaching? These are aspects to consider when choosing a helper that aligns with your values and needs as a couple. Searching online and even calling to talk briefly with a therapist may be helpful in deciding if they will fit your needs.
The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists: https://www.aasect.org/referral-directory
American Board of Christian Sex Therapists
https://abcst.sexualwholeness.com/isw-faculty/
Many couple therapists can assist with sexual issues-ask for a referral from your doctor, minister, or word-of-mouth and specifically look for therapists with extensive experience and training in couple therapy. Note that many people state that they offer couple therapy but have not engaged in trainings, supervised clinical internship or other experiences that make them an expert. Ask the question to get the best person for you.
Disclaimer : These exercises are meant for education and as conversation starters between partners who are in a committed relationship. This is not sex therapy. Couples need to self-assess whether this exercise is likely to enhance and enrich their relationship with more education, self-awareness and a chance to focus on their sexual intimacy. If there is a concern from either partner that the discussion or exercise might bring up negative issues without the ability to resolve them independently, this can make things worse in your relationship. That is the opposite of our goals for you. Sexual topics can surprise us sometimes. So assess your ability to engage in this exercise and monitor the conversation. If things are not going well, take a break. If you find that you can’t seem to have a good positive and productive conversation about sex, it might be time to seek some professional help from a trained therapist
References
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