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Two Types of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a concept that seems simple but is often difficult to describe. How would you describe the act of forgiving and receiving forgiveness to a child? It’s more challenging than you thought, right? We often hear forgiveness talked about as a required task. For example, “I had to forgive them” or “I forgave them and got over it.” This description of forgiveness as an easily accomplished chore diminishes not only the wide complexities of forgiving but also the awesomeness of receiving forgiveness. 

So, what is forgiveness? Let’s start with what it is not:

• Forgiveness is not: forbearance, condoning, excusing, reconciling, forgetting, justifying, getting justice, or just “getting over it.” That’s great, but what do those all mean?
• Forbearance 
• Forbearance is defined as refraining from something; patient endurance, self-control, and abstaining from the enforcement of a right. In relationships, forbearance can appear similar to forgiveness, but the intention of forbearance (i.e., patient endurance) is different than the intention of forgiveness. 
• Condoning or excusing
• Meaning to accept or allow; to approve with reluctance. You may find yourself indirectly approving or outwardly excusing your partner’s behavior rather than forgiving.
• Reconciling
• In this case, reconciling refers to the restoration of a harmonious relationship. Forgiveness is not dependent on reconciliation. In some relationships, reconciliation may not be possible, but you could still forgive. 
• Forgetting
• Forgetting is defined as failing to remember or to omit unintentionally. Think of the phrase, “I can forgive, but I can never forget.” Is that forgiveness?
• Justifying
• Justifying is defined as defending, upholding, absolving. In response to hurtful behavior, one may defend their partner’s actions to themselves or others.
• Getting justice 
• Justice and fairness are not guaranteed in the process of forgiveness. This often stops people in relationships from working through the steps of forgiveness because it requires the admittance of wrongdoing by the “offender,” which may not happen. Forgiveness is not dependent on apologies or feeling a sense of justice. Although the notion that there is fairness or justice was served is a good feeling, you don’t have to have this feeling to forgive. 
• “Just getting over it”
• People often say, “I forgave them,” and in the same breath state, “I just got over it.” Although our culture often reinforces that we should just accept or “get over” things, this is just another way of saying forget rather than walking through the steps of forgiveness. In couples, a partner or family member outside of the relationship may encourage you to “get over it,” which is another way of saying, “can things just go back to normal?” or “can you go back to how you were before?” Oftentimes, after a conflict, it’s not that easy. You may not be able to go back to before, but through forgiveness, the relationship may be transformed.  

Ok, so now that we know what forgiveness is not, let’s talk about what it is:

• Forgiveness is a choice and an emotion
• It is something you thoughtfully choose to extend to another person. Forgiveness is also something that you feel both internally and in the relationship. 
• Forgiveness is a motivated decision not to seek revenge, or avoid the offender
• Inherent in the choice to forgive is another choice to not seek revenge or avoid.
• Forgiveness is a reduction in negative emotions, replaced with positive emotions and an attitude of goodwill (especially in ongoing relationships)
• This requires taking your feelings of anger or frustration and intentionally replacing them with feelings of love and goodwill.
• Forgiveness is an interpersonal process, although it happens within the skin of the offended person
• It is a relational process, but it happens within one person. 
• Forgiveness is “outward-looking” and “other-directed.” 
• It is something that you extend to another person.

Getting even deeper into forgiveness, we find that there are two types of forgiveness - decisional and emotional.

• Decisional Forgiveness: A behavioral intention to refrain from seeking revenge and to treat an offender as a valuable person, letting go of any angry and resentful thoughts toward the individual who has wronged you.
• For example,  Catherine and Steven have been married for six years and have two young children. Early on in their relationship, Catherine noticed that Steven consistently leaves his dirty laundry on the floor rather than placing it in the hamper. Catherine has responded to this in several ways throughout their relationship, including putting his clothes in the hamper for him, leaving them out hoping he notices, and sometimes exploding in anger. However, this has not changed Steven’s habit of leaving his dirty clothes on the floor. Early on in their relationship, Steven noticed that Catherine consistently leaves her dirty dishes in the sink. He has responded to this by lecturing Catherine on the purpose of the dishwasher and the relative ease of loading the dishes. He has also washed her dishes, left them there hoping she notices, and has sometimes yelled at Catherine for this behavior.
  
  In both cases, these are not only annoying habits but communicate something deeper than differing definitions of cleanliness to the other. For each peeved partner, the other’s consistent behaviors communicate that their partner doesn’t really care enough about them to change their habits, which is why this can be quite hurtful over time. In response to these behaviors, Catherine and Steven chose to engage in decisional forgiveness, meaning they intentionally refrained from seeking revenge (retaliating or making comments) and decided to let go of their frustration with their spouse. For Catherine, this looked like noticing that brief moment of irritation when she saw Steven’s dirty clothes (approximately six inches from the hamper) and choosing to respond differently. Rather than leaving his clothes out and hoping for revenge, Catherine would gently remind Steven to put his clothes away. Similarly, Steven chose to forgive Catherine when he noticed a bowl with old onion dip in the sink by responding differently than he had before. Steven would either ask Catherine to clean her dish or would clean it himself. While cleaning her dishes, Steven noticed the temptation to plot revenge but chose to release that desire and fight his negative feelings toward Catherine instead.

• Emotional Forgiveness: A replacement of negative, unforgiving emotions with positive, other-oriented emotions (like compassion, sympathy, and empathy). Emotional forgiveness takes us beyond the decision to forgive, but changes how we view an offender into a more positive light as well.
• To continue with the previous example, emotional forgiveness takes Steven and Catherine beyond the decision to forgive and let go of negative emotions and encourages each partner to view the other in a new positive light. When Catherine sees Steven’s dirty clothes on the floor, she chooses to think about all of the ways that Steven shows his love for her and empathizes with his busy day, which often leaves him exhausted and sometimes forgetting to put his clothes where they should go. By changing her focus to where Steven shows his care for her and replacing her anger with compassion and understanding, she is engaging in emotional forgiveness. Similarly, when Steven notices another dirty dish in the sink, he chooses not only to set aside his desire for revenge or passive-aggressive comments and instead thinks of all the qualities that he loves about Catherine instead. While thinking about all the amazing aspects of Catherine’s personality that he loves, his anger about the dishes subsides, and he evidences emotional forgiveness. Both Steven and Catherine view the other in a more positive light after engaging in emotional forgiveness.

Podcasts on Forgiveness:

Dr. Sells & Dr. Ripley’s podcast on Forgiveness in Couples- great explanation of the “injustice gap” and the process of forgiveness

Go to Spotify: show:5cjkYJprm1xGcxm2VKEcTh 

https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/biola-university/the-art-of-relationships-podcast/e/why-forgiveness-is-essential-to-every-relationship-45694420 

Link to The Art of Relationships Podcast “Why Forgiveness is Essential to Every Relationship”