Sex Communication and Boundaries Activities
Make a Yes-No-Maybe Chart
Some couples may struggle with communication or boundaries related to sex. This activity will help identify sexual interests and boundaries in the relationship.
Make a list of the things you like to do (Yes), are not open to trying or trying again (No), and things you might like to consider doing (Maybe). Do this separately then get back together and share your lists (adapted from American Sexual Health Organization, 2020)
Here is a list of possible sexual acts for you to discuss as part of your yes-no-maybe chart. These can be inspiration for your chart and to engage in conversation with your partner. Your likes and dislikes can be discussed before or after sex occurs.
- Manual Sex - Do you have a preference for how this is initiated? By you or your partner?
- Oral Sex- Do you enjoy going first, second, perhaps at the same time?
- Role Playing - Do you have any specific fantasies that you would like to act out with your partner?
- Sex Toys - Do you enjoy sex with or without toys? Is there a certain type or types or toys you would like to explore? What are they? How would you like your partner to use them?
- Masturbation - alone or together? With or without toys?
- Location - Where would you like to explore sex? Bed, table, couch, floor? Are there locations that you have wanted to try?
- Phone Sex
- New positions - What position/s would you like to try? Laying down, sitting, standing?
Challenge yourself and your partner to dig deep and be specific about your likes and dislikes and why they are important to distinguish.
- For example, on the topic of kissing, do prefer your partner to initiate or for you to initiate? With tongue? On lips? Where else would you like to be kissed? Where would you be open or not open to being kissed?
- Are there certain positions that you are interested in trying or in not trying again?
- Are there any fantasies that you want to share with your partner? Provide as much detail as possible.
- Share your yes-no-maybe chart/list with your partner and discuss your thoughts and feelings on each piece that you wrote. Why are you interested in a particular activity? Why is something else a hard no? What are your hesitations or boundaries regarding some acts? Listen and attend to your partner as they talk through their list, then switch and do the same thing for each person. Be open to each other and have a nonjudgmental space. If one of your ‘yeses’ is one of your partner’s ‘no’s’ or vice versa, discuss this and see if a compromise can be found. If not, talk through other options or interests that you share as you create your sex bucket list below.
Sex Bucket List
(create together after doing Yes-No-Maybe Chart)
After each of you creates your separate Yes-No-Maybe Chart/list and discuss, collaborate on a list of interests that you marked as a ‘yes’. Have fun with this. If you want, you can be specific about how often, when, or where you want to try out different acts on your list. Make time for these acts and enjoy them with your partner. Discuss if you want to add your ‘maybes’ to the list or if you want to revisit the conversation. Be creative and have fun with designing this list! You could print it out and decorate it or you could each have it on your phone or other electronic platform. There is no wrong way to create it.
A printable version of the activities can be found here
Additional Resources for you and your partner to explore together!
Despite the secular tone to some of these resources, there is good information that would behelpful to all couples
Articles
https://www.helpguide.org/harvard/tips-to-improve-your-sex-life.htm
https://www.healthline.com/health/advice-from-sex-therapist-common#1
http://www.ashasexualhealth.org/sexual-health/
https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/sex-and-health#1
Videos
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9xuo4ZjuZE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjvKh_tQB7Y
https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship
Podcasts- These can also be found on itunes & other podcast distributors
The Couples Toolbox - Dr. Anne Goshen
https://www.annegoshen.com/audio-video
The Naked Marriage Podcast - Dave and Ashley Willis
https://thenakedmarriagepodcast.simplecast.com/
Disclaimer : These exercises are meant for education and as conversation starters between partners who are in a committed relationship. This is not sex therapy. Couples need to self-assess whether this exercise is likely to enhance and enrich their relationship with more education, self-awareness and a chance to focus on their sexual intimacy. If there is a concern from either partner that the discussion or exercise might bring up negative issues without the ability to resolve them independently, this can make things worse in your relationship. That is the opposite of our goals for you. Sexual topics can surprise us sometimes. So assess your ability to engage in this exercise and monitor the conversation. If things are not going well, take a break. If you find that you can’t seem to have a good positive and productive conversation about sex, it might be time to seek some professional help from a trained therapist.
References
American Sexual Health Organization. (2020). Understanding Sexual Health. Ashasexaulhealth. http://www.ashasexualhealth.org/sexual-health/
Barnes, Z. (2020). 12 Common Sex Problems Couple's Therapists Hear All The Time. Self. https://www.self.com/story/12-common-sex-problems-couples-therapists-hear-all-the-time
Brito, J. (2020). 10 Tips This Sex Therapist Finds Herself Repeating. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/advice-from-sex-therapist-common#1
Citytv. (2014, Oct. 28). Establishing Healthy Sexual Boundaries. [Video] Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjvKh_tQB7Y
Fugere, M. Phd. (2016 May 3). Do Married People Really Have Less Sex? Psychologytoday. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dating-and-mating/201605/do-married-people-really-have-less-sex
Goshen, A. (Host). (2016-2017). The Couples Toolbox. [Audio podcast]. Anne Goshen & Associates.
Harvard Health Publishing. (2020). Tips to Improve Your Sex Life. Helpguide. https://www.helpguide.org/harvard/tips-to-improve-your-sex-life.htm
Klein, M. PhD. (2017 June 17). 6 Reasons Why a Partner May Have Less Desire for Sex. Psychologytoday.https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sexual-intelligence/201706/6-reasons-why-partner-may-have-less-desire-sex
Ludden, D. Phd. (2018 Oct. 20) Why You Won’t Talk About Sexual Issues With Your Partner. Psychologytoday.https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-apes/201810/why-yoU-won-t-talk-about-sexual-issues-your-partner
Robinson, K. (2020). 10 Surprising Health Benefits of Sex. Webmd. https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/sex-and-health#1
Scot, Andrew & Amanda. (2019, Sep. 6). Sexual Problems in relationships. [Video]. Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9xuo4ZjuZE
Tartakovsky, M. M.S. (2018 Oct. 8) 5 Damaging Assumptions We Make in Our Relationships. Psychcentral.https://psychcentral.com/lib/5-damaging-assumptions-we-make-in-our-relationships/
TEDSalonNY2013. (2013). The secret to desire in a long-term relationship. [Video] TEDtalk.
https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship
Ripley, J. PhD. & Worthington, E. PhD. (2014). Couple Therapy; A New Hope-Focused Approach. IVP Academic.
Weiss, S. (2019 Feb 27). 7 Assumptions You Should Never Make About A Sexual Partner. Bustle. https://www.bustle.com/p/7-assumptions-you-should-never-make-about-a-sexual-partner-16186522
Willis, Dave & Ashley. (Host). (2018-Present). The Naked Marriage. [Audio podcast]. XO Podcast Network. https://thenakedmarriagepodcast.simplecast.com/
Worthington, E.L., (1999) Hope-Focused Marriage Counseling: A Guide to Brief Therapy. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press.
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