Information Overload.

Does this sound familiar? Family, friends, and strangers are often eager to share well-meaning parenting advice to expectant parents. While there are some excellent and wonderful books, classes, and information available out there, it is impossible to read and/or consume all, or even most of the suggested material. Receiving a large amount of information and experiencing new feelings associated with becoming a parent can seem overwhelming. It is normal for expectant parents to feel a range of emotions from excitement to fear. You are not alone. So, where does one start in preparing to become a parent? While we do not claim to have all the answers, we do have a few suggestions for reflection and conversations to have with your partner based on current research and the feedback we have received from the couples we have worked with. 1. Conversations about duties (household and baby) While many couples discuss baby names, breastfeeding or bottle-feeding, and delivery options prior to the baby’s arrival, it can be difficult to navigate and plan for what happens after the baby arrives. Both excitement and exhaustion often accompany the arrival of a child, and establishing a new norm can take some time and practice. It is ok and normal to figure out what works for you and your partner. While you cannot plan for everything, many couples we have worked with have shared  that having early conversations about how duties will be shared and/or divided around the following topics would have helped make their transition into parenthood easier: Changing diaper, feeding, playing, childcare, etc. Cooking, taking out the trash, washing dishes, vacuuming, etc. Some adjustments will be necessary regardless of the conversations you have ahead of your new arrival, and that is ok. Just remember to communicate with your partner and be kind to yourself during this exciting and exhausting transition.  2. Conversations about needs in the relationship and as an individual. Congratulations! You are preparing to be or are recently a new parent to a small human. While caring for your new addition in your family is important, remember, caring for your relationship is also essential and needs your attention. It is important to remember that just as a new baby has needs (eating, sleeping, love, etc.), your relationship has needs too (i.e. sex, adult conversation, quality time, etc.). How can you know if those needs are being met? Checking in with your partner, even if it is for 5 minutes a day to see if their needs are met can provide an opportunity to advocate for your needs as a couple/individual. 3. Family of Origin/Attachment Have you ever heard the phrase or been told, “you are just like your mom” or “you are just like your dad”? This may make you cringe, bring you joy, or illicit a mixture of emotions. While we are not literally identical to our parents, we share some similarities. Understanding our relationships within our own family of origin can help us understand the way we relate to others. Through self-reflection and conversations with your partner, it can also help you decide what you would like to do similarly and differently from your own upbringing. This also relates to what research tells us about attachment. According to attachment theory, infants develop a relationship with at least one primary caregiver, traditionally the mother, but not always. This attachment influences infants’ relationships with others throughout their life.  If you are a mom-to-be, new father, or primary caregiver, this may feel like a lot of pressure. It is normal to feel this way, but helping your infant form a healthy, secure attachment has to do with presence and responsiveness rather than perfection. This means being available to spend time physically with your child, playing, rocking, holding, and responding to their cues (i.e.r cries, giggles, and verbalizations). By being present and responsive, you communicate to your infant that they are safe and loved. As a final note, loved ones, books, classes, churches, and other resources can lend some helpful support and information as you navigate this new chapter of your life. However, you also have valuable insight into your needs and what works for your relationship. It is not necessary to know everything or consume a mountain of information, but it is vital to communicate with your partner. By reflecting and having these conversations with your partner, you make an investment in the well-being of your child, your relationship, and yourself. 

Conversation Starters

Here are some questions for you to reflect on and discuss with one another based on what you read above and some general questions. There is no right or wrong answer here, just what works best for your family. As always, you live and learn, so your responses may change and adjust as your family grows and changes and you find what is most helpful with your new crew. Have fun, and allow grace for yourself and your partner as you navigate this new journey together. Take your time - you don’t need to answer all of these now, but can come back and continue to work through them as often as you need.

1. How are you feeling right now as you begin these conversations? Nervous? Excited? A little bit of both? Check in with each other and share how you’re feeling before diving into the rest of the questions. (*Pro tip: it’s important to communicate where you’re at throughout your parenting process as your partner likely won’t have the same amount of time/energy to decipher without you helping them out. So, be sure to continually check in with each other and keep those communication channels open.)
2. Duties
   • How will we divide duties?
   • Household: Vacuuming, laundry, lawn, cooking, cleaning
   • Baby: Diaper changes, feeding, laundry, night wakings, bathing
   • Do we want to assign tasks to specific people or feel it out as we go?
   • How should we bring it up if we feel that something is getting left undone?
3. Childcare
• Do we get maternity/paternity leave? If so, how long?
• Who do we want to spend time with our baby while one/both of us work?
• If needed/desired, can we afford childcare help? 
• What are our thoughts on daycares, nannies, babysitters? Are there any specific requirements that we have for our childcare provider?
4. Relationship & Individual needs
   • Are my needs/my partner’s in the relationship being met?
     • Relationship:
       • i.e. Quality time, physical needs, sex, emotional support, safety, adult conversations
       • Tell your partner how they can support you.
   • Are my needs as an individual person being met?
     • Individual:
       • i.e. physical, emotional, safety, social support, time to myself
       • Tell your partner how they can support you.
5. Family of Origin/Attachment
   • What was your relationship like with your parent(s) or primary caregiver(s) growing up?
     • What would you like to imitate about that experience in your family?
     • What would you like to do differently as a parent?
6. Friends & Family
   • Do we want to have time alone as a new family or do we want the baby to meet friends and family as soon as possible?
   • What do we want our families/close friends’ role to be in our child’s life?

© Copyright e-Hope